Thursday, 19 July 2007

Did I mention I hate waiting?

Not that i am really "waiting" at the moment. I am in a way. It's the category the sweet person who neatly draws up the list of who's-doing-what on the infertility board I post on puts me in. Waiting. Again. My respite from waiting was short lived. I had a hopeful few weeks preparing for a Frozen Embryo Transfer and then the shifty shadow passed over and both little embryos didn't survive that thaw. There was a 1 in 100 chance of that one happening and it seems I managed to hit that jackpot again.

So I am back to waiting. Waiting for another chance to try to make a baby. I felt very reckless after hearing the two little frozen beauties hadn't survived. I felt so reckless that I thought I would try and fall pregnant "naturally". It breaks my heart. That baby making sex with my husband is the most reckless thing I can think to do. Forget drugs and self harm. They are soft compared to the terror that I experience at the thought that I might fall pregnant naturally..... What if I fall pregnant with another baby that will die??? I cannot live through that again. And the thought of terminting after an amnio (12 - 13 weeks) when i so desperately want to have a child..... it is more than I can bare.

But, this road also feels like more than I can bare. I want it done. Today i actually told my dad the ugliest thought I have had yet. Well one of them. I told him that if I could, I would pass this burden on to anyone, my sister, my best friend, anyone. As long as it meant IT WASN'T ME living this recurring nightmare. How many times can Hope pick you up like a rag-doll and then toss you down again. Throw you down. Kick you while you are still down. I know what the bottom looks like. I know what the taste of dirt in my mouth is. There is no more lessons for me down here.

Yesterday I did self harm. Not badly. i just cracked my head into the door frame a couple of times. It felt good actually although I ended up with a headache when I went to bed. I did it after I talked to a friend who has recently become pregnant. I love her. But I don't know if I can be with her. Nothing to do with her. It is the shitty circumstances that I seem to not be dealing with too well. And being with a pregnant person is a bit of a nose rub in the shit. I don't even feel that guilty about not wanting to be with her. But sometimes I wonder what the cost of this journey will be. if I will have any friends at the end of it. I seem to be pulling away alot. Not returning calls. Not answering messages. I keep thinking that I will get around to it but I often don't. In truth i forget people have even tried to make contact. That's bad isn't it. But when I stop to think about it, I forget a lot of things. I forget if I have taken medication, locked the door, fed the dog. I forget within seconds of doing it. That's pretty bad. Is this a sign that it is time for drugs?

It was cold today. But a beautiful clear sky. My dad came and spent the day with me again. He listened to me cry and rant again. He didn't know what to say. That's because no-one knows what to say. They all just feel sad around me and I feel sad around me too. Only I can't get away from me. We went for a long walk with the dog. I can at least say that the dog had a good day. A long walk. Lots of rolling in scratchy grass and smelly dirt, a swim in the creek, and me at home all day. The only improvement would have been if I gave him a bone. Oh to be so easily pleased. What is the secret of that one silly Tima? Is it just being dumb? I like seeing his waggy tail. At least someone thinks this world is good.

I wish it were me. I used to think that. I am even finding it hard to notice beauty around me. That is a large part of what has sustained me on this awful awful road, and i am even failing to see that.

When will this end??

1 comment:

Kami said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I could have written this post a couple of years ago. I still dabble in that dark place, but I don't live there anymore. I would hurt myself, contemplate suicide and wish this burden on anyone else but me.

Be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault. The pain is awful, but you will survive. Keep talking to people and going for walks. Keep breathing - even if you can only get through one breath at a time.

You are getting stronger everyday, even if you don't notice it. I wish I could tell you when it will end or make the pain hurt less. I will be thinking about you - a stranger somewhere in the world understands. I hope that helps a tiny amound