Friday, 26 September 2008

This medusa

Intro to this post.

When holding your daughter as she is dying, and after she has died, you find out if you have faith.

I found out I do.

What exactly that faith is, or is in, is still quite unclear. But I believe.


Today. I am on my knees, weeping with gratitude.
Today. I know what makes the world.
Today. I know that LOVE is the only force powerful enough to create.
Today. I know that every single created thing is made in LOVE, and is LOVE.
Today. I know that my job in this world is to see this, and to carry on the job of creating with love.
Each blade of grass is profound.
The beauty of light hurts my heart.
I will plant a garden.
Today. I know that I know what love is.


A mist has descended. It weighs on me. Heavy. Heavy.
I cry and it muffles the sound. My wailing sounds distant. A cry from ancient times, a legend I once read, about a woman whose only child died. She longs to be enveloped by the earth that holds the core of her. She goes down into it, away from light and voices.


Can you see me? Can you give me a sign? Do you know how much I can love? Do you see my pain?

Please God. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.


Buried so deep, hiding so well, nothing can touch me. Not the coolness of the ocean, or the the way the new leaves shine like silver. A death of the heart, and of eyes that choose blindness, and ears that prefer silence. Giving birth to a rising panic. What is this place? Is there still further to fall? Will this be the death of me?


But somehow I am found. A baptism, while swimming naked at the bottom of a waterfall. Thanksgiving rising with me and the bubbles. I shout "YES! YES!" and laugh, when snorkelling the next day, because I can hear the ridiculous noise of a parrot fish munching on coral.

And like in a good Irish hymn, I can sing from the middle of the shit, that I am OK. I haven't triumphed, turned the fates, won the victory, and yet, I know that it is well with my soul. Even in death.

This is my faith.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Thanks friends

Thanks for checking in on me.

Yes my fragile little happiness is growing very slowly but surely. It has become a little sturdier, and while it gets knocked over relatively easily, it bounces back in a fairly short time.

When people ask me how I am I have stopped saying "OK I guess" or "not tooooooo bad" and have started to say "pretty good actually". Which is pretty good actually - don't you think.

I don't know what has happened. It's a miracle to say the least. And I put at least some of it down to the choir I have been singing in, and the circus classes. Did I mention how much I love circus?

My other sister (not the one who just had a child) but the one in the middle - she is also pregnant, and about to get married. Which is great for her cause she is 35. It was an Oooops thing. Although I'm yet to figure how two 35 yr olds ooopsed their way into that. I think it involved serious denial, Christians and all.

I won't go into all that commotion - the point is - this is something that could really tip me over. I'm organising her hens party today (a picnic tomorrow), and the wedding is next week. And, listen up peoples, I'M OK.

So there you have it.

Thanks again to those who have been checking in.

It means alot.

love B

In Silks

Do you think it is OK to do circus classes while doing a cycle? It's all about your core muscles getting serious workout. Feet tangled in the tissue - hanging upside down and attemping sit ups - that kind of stuff. Like uber pilates.