The love affair

......... and while I am flipping the bird to The Universe.......... there is a famous love affair between it and my garden.

Spring will have its way.











(actually this one was taken when we planted the garden in winter but it has my doggilypog)

Merciless tease

Have you ever seen a bully hold a thing of value above a small kids head. You know, just wave it there, lift it a little higher as the kid tries to jump for it, watch the kid go red, scream, swear, beg, plead, cry ........ and maybe, eventually, loose hope. At which point the bully walks away and either tosses the kid the thing they want or throws it away.

I feel like that kid.

Today is day five post transfer....... and non of my embies have turned into blasts. That means no pgd testing today. Those sweet little things seem to be dying by the hour.....

I wonder if any will make it through the testing tomorrow.

I am in the rage part of being a victim of universal bullying. Of having the universe tease me.

It is hard to be angry at the universe, its too sloppy a thing to punch. So I am angry at my ovaries. I am angry at my friends who have kids. I am kinda angry at my husband although my heart is not really in that one. And I assure you if you were brave enough to stand in front of me..... I would probably want to blast you too.

I could reduce a happy family to a pile of cinders with the force of my gaze.

That kind of anger scares me. It still feels new. And boundless. I am scared because I don't know where it will end.

More waiting.

Do you think it could work?

Today I think... well.... maybe it might just.

I'm waiting. Again. Different kind of waiting today. A waiting that will make any PGD (preimplantaion genetic diagnosis) veteran tremble in their boots and feel sick to the stomach. I'm in the 5 day wait. Which is even worse then the famous two week wait. The five day wait is the time between egg retrieval and fertilisation, and the testing of 5 day old embies to see if they carry the inherited genetic disorder that my stupid chromosomes carry. Literally, we are waiting to see if there are any good eggs.

Can't write anymore now. It makes me feel sick.

The chicken

Well I did it as I promised myself.

I cooked. I woke up the other thursday (day off for me) and thought.... well..... I can cook or I can mope.

So i cooked. And it was jerk chicken. Couldn't find scotch bonnet peppers in sydney so I had to go with regular chillies. It still tasted darn good to me.



The bbq



The diners



The remains.

And this week I made a strawberry tart (although no photos of these sweet things).

Which might lead you to believe that I am OK. But actually, today, I feel like (to borrow a hyperbole from my friend Vic) "pooh-on-wheels". It must be the hormones. They make me cry - the only benefit of that is that I have a sinus infection and it helps move the goop out.

I think I will go back to bed now. It's midday.