Merciless tease

Have you ever seen a bully hold a thing of value above a small kids head. You know, just wave it there, lift it a little higher as the kid tries to jump for it, watch the kid go red, scream, swear, beg, plead, cry ........ and maybe, eventually, loose hope. At which point the bully walks away and either tosses the kid the thing they want or throws it away.

I feel like that kid.

Today is day five post transfer....... and non of my embies have turned into blasts. That means no pgd testing today. Those sweet little things seem to be dying by the hour.....

I wonder if any will make it through the testing tomorrow.

I am in the rage part of being a victim of universal bullying. Of having the universe tease me.

It is hard to be angry at the universe, its too sloppy a thing to punch. So I am angry at my ovaries. I am angry at my friends who have kids. I am kinda angry at my husband although my heart is not really in that one. And I assure you if you were brave enough to stand in front of me..... I would probably want to blast you too.

I could reduce a happy family to a pile of cinders with the force of my gaze.

That kind of anger scares me. It still feels new. And boundless. I am scared because I don't know where it will end.