Friday, 28 September 2007

Merciless tease

Have you ever seen a bully hold a thing of value above a small kids head. You know, just wave it there, lift it a little higher as the kid tries to jump for it, watch the kid go red, scream, swear, beg, plead, cry ........ and maybe, eventually, loose hope. At which point the bully walks away and either tosses the kid the thing they want or throws it away.

I feel like that kid.

Today is day five post transfer....... and non of my embies have turned into blasts. That means no pgd testing today. Those sweet little things seem to be dying by the hour.....

I wonder if any will make it through the testing tomorrow.

I am in the rage part of being a victim of universal bullying. Of having the universe tease me.

It is hard to be angry at the universe, its too sloppy a thing to punch. So I am angry at my ovaries. I am angry at my friends who have kids. I am kinda angry at my husband although my heart is not really in that one. And I assure you if you were brave enough to stand in front of me..... I would probably want to blast you too.

I could reduce a happy family to a pile of cinders with the force of my gaze.

That kind of anger scares me. It still feels new. And boundless. I am scared because I don't know where it will end.

6 comments:

Kami said...

I am sorry. You know, I didn't have any day 5 blasts, but I had 4 6 day blasts and my embryologist keeps telling me there is no significant difference. What's next for you?

I understand that anger. I am not sure I worry about it. As long as I don't hurt anyone, I figure it is a nice break from sadness. Hang in there.

Kristen said...

I hope that day 6 brings some better news. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

jeanie said...

I'm so sorry that day 5 hasn't brought the good news we were all hoping for. I confess I don't know much about pgd, but I read Kami's post, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will bring some better news. I guess there are times for "working" on negative emotions, but for me at least, while I'm barely treading water, I can't contemplete anything but survival. Who wouldn't be angry in your situation? It's not who you are-- it's just what you are feeling right now. I am really hoping for you for tomorrow.

My Reality said...

I am hoping that you have some beautiful blasts tomorrow.

niobe said...

The bully teasing the small child is the perfect analogy.

Hoping that tomorrow brings good news.

Sunny said...

I am so sorry. HUGS!