Saturday, 9 August 2008

Could it be?

I think it might be.....

I think I'm happy.

Look at that. I sincerely didn't think I would be writing that for a good few years. But there it is. That mundane, commonplace word. And what a delight to be reacquainting myself with it. I'm clapping my hands cause I'm happy and I know it.

I have been feeling like Charlie - pre chocolate factory visit. So deprived that when a bar of chocolate comes to me on my birthday, I treasure it as more precious then gold. Taking it out every now and then to look at it, eventually tearing off the tiniest bit of wrapper, nibbling a bit from the corner, tasting it's sweetness and then putting it away because I need to to last. *Happy* has been my precious chocolate bar.

For the last two and a half years, each time I have had a happy moment I have been conscious of savouring it - turning it over, trying to pull it out in the crap times to remind myself that it does exist. I would say I have become good at getting mileage out of even the smallest bit of Happy. I hang on to the memory of the feel of the sun of my shoulders, or the smell of the ocean, and try to make these little pieces of Happy carry the huge weight of my sorrow. Unsurprisinngly, they often sink under its weight. (OK so now I'm really mixing metaphors -chocolate bars/life bouys-but are you with me?) I make each piece of Happy go a very long way.

But look at this week's list of Happy:
Tuesdays circus class - Check
Taking my 3 yr old niece out for the day on her birthday and decorating her cake with paper shapes and icing sugar - Check
A boozey dinner followed by whiskey and watching The Opening Ceremony - Check
Watching Tima (my furry friend) retrieve his stick from the ocean and accidentally body surf back to shore - Check
Sydney sun (even in winter). It's all gold and blue today. - Check
Lyrics Born gig - Check (well that is tonight but I already know it will make me happy)

Not quite a chocolate factory but definately enough to gorge on in a week. Fortunately, unlike chocolate, too much Happy does not make you feel crook.

There is no reason to explain this showbag of Happy - there are many things going on that could have tipped me into more months of heartbreaking sadness - but I just don't want to let these things do that to me anymore. I have developed an almost ferocious ambition for my own happiness. I WILL BE HAPPY. Damn it. I f*** in will. I am.

You watch me be it.


Lori said...

Oh, B. This is such an awesome post.

Love your bag o' chocolate. I'm going to remember how you put this, and be mindful of it myself.

luna said...

so good to hear from you, especially being so happy and all. you sound great. I wish I could always believe that waking up every morning is that golden ticket.

Pamela Jeanne said...

So VERY happy for you! Hope the good vibe continues indefinitely...

Panamahat said...

I'm smiling for you!

Kami said...

I love this post. I read it earlier, but didn't have time to comment. I hope you continue to be happy.

I am going to nominate you for a pink rose award very soon. I just need to get around to it.

mrsmuelly said...

Good for you! I love the chocolate bar analogy. It's perfect. We should all learn to savor our Happy. I really needed this read today, so thank you!

Lori said...

How are you doing, a month later? Hopefully contentment is settling in.

Thanks so much for your kind words, B. It means so much.

And let me know if you'd like me to put this post up on Perfect Moments.

Panamahat said...

Checking in to see if you are still feeling the rays of sunshine. I hope you are.