Friday, 26 September 2008

This medusa

Intro to this post.

When holding your daughter as she is dying, and after she has died, you find out if you have faith.

I found out I do.

What exactly that faith is, or is in, is still quite unclear. But I believe.


Today. I am on my knees, weeping with gratitude.
Today. I know what makes the world.
Today. I know that LOVE is the only force powerful enough to create.
Today. I know that every single created thing is made in LOVE, and is LOVE.
Today. I know that my job in this world is to see this, and to carry on the job of creating with love.
Each blade of grass is profound.
The beauty of light hurts my heart.
I will plant a garden.
Today. I know that I know what love is.


A mist has descended. It weighs on me. Heavy. Heavy.
I cry and it muffles the sound. My wailing sounds distant. A cry from ancient times, a legend I once read, about a woman whose only child died. She longs to be enveloped by the earth that holds the core of her. She goes down into it, away from light and voices.


Can you see me? Can you give me a sign? Do you know how much I can love? Do you see my pain?

Please God. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.


Buried so deep, hiding so well, nothing can touch me. Not the coolness of the ocean, or the the way the new leaves shine like silver. A death of the heart, and of eyes that choose blindness, and ears that prefer silence. Giving birth to a rising panic. What is this place? Is there still further to fall? Will this be the death of me?


But somehow I am found. A baptism, while swimming naked at the bottom of a waterfall. Thanksgiving rising with me and the bubbles. I shout "YES! YES!" and laugh, when snorkelling the next day, because I can hear the ridiculous noise of a parrot fish munching on coral.

And like in a good Irish hymn, I can sing from the middle of the shit, that I am OK. I haven't triumphed, turned the fates, won the victory, and yet, I know that it is well with my soul. Even in death.

This is my faith.


Lori said...

B, this is heartbreakingly, astoundingly, take-my-breath-away beautiful.


sweetsalty kate said...

Oh B, you've set a standard here as our very first participant. I'm so knocked over by your post. It's stunning, and triumphant.. thank you so much for sharing it.

So lovely, just right. You sat with your questions and stayed open to an answer that might not make sense... and the way you've expressed that is so wonderful. You've made my night.

luna said...

B, this is absolutely gorgeous -- haunting and heartbreaking, uplifting and inspiring. just perfect.

Lori said...

"It is well with my soul..."

Isn't that what we all want? Beautiful.

Michele said...

So beautiful and heart breaking... So very true. You've summed up how I feel.

Kami said...

This post took my breath away. Beautiful.

Not on Fire said...


What a beautiful expression of your feelings!

Thank you for sharing that with me.

Melanie said...

Here from the Creme. Thank you for this beautiful post. I love it!

A n T said...

Here from the Creme: Beautiful post. Faith is something so hard to have, especially when it has been continually tried and tried.