for me, it's my birthday, Christmas and New Year in three weeks.
The marking of time scares me. It says each time that it's another year. Another year older. Another year without a child. Another year of grief, depression and sadness. Another year that I will start with "maybe this year......." as i have started the last 3.
One time , someone asked me if I felt any closer to becoming a parent while doing IVF. And the answer is no. With each failed cycle, each birthday, Christmas and New Year, I feel a little further away. There is more distance between me and my little girl. The memories blur slightly, I can't remember the name of her NICU Dr, the pain of missing her is less, which is a relief and a sadness.
The future?
I did another cycle, hot on the heels of the last one. It was all fine but I overstimmed and was unable to transfer due to high hormones. I was collecting a lot of water in my body cavity and not peeing enough compared to what i was drinking. I missed a few days of work (again). Felt bad - again. On the bright side, at the end of the PGD testing we froze four healthy embryos and I can have a drink and I didn't have to do the 2ww over Christmas
Which sets the New Year up for a run of frozen cycles, which I can stand. Damn it I can do a fresh one these days without raising a sweat. The physical holds no fear for me. But recovering again from the heart break of a failed cycle..... That terrifies me. I hate it so much. And of course it always co-incides with a pg or birth announcement. I try not to carry too much self pity in this regard but 4 nieces and 5 kids between my two best friends (for a start) in 3 years has hurt me more than I care to admit. Because no matter how I try and think about it, I can't seem to shake the feeling when I am with them, or, more accurately, when I come home, that I am standing in the darkness staring through a lighted window.
So. it's off on another holiday. I know I haven't been posting often but I do try to follow your stories and comment, so please forgive if I miss something over January. The holiday plan started as a trip to Bhutan and has ended as 3 weeks in Tasmania. The whole - what if I'm pg? thing - yeah right! But I'm not complaining about 3 weeks in Tassie. It'll be about food, camping and music. In that order. We have our priorities right.
If your Christmas can't be merry, may it at least be peaceful.
Much love
B
