Wednesday, 23 December 2009


It's hard facing this time of year again.

for me, it's my birthday, Christmas and New Year in three weeks.

The marking of time scares me. It says each time that it's another year. Another year older. Another year without a child. Another year of grief, depression and sadness. Another year that I will start with "maybe this year......." as i have started the last 3.

One time , someone asked me if I felt any closer to becoming a parent while doing IVF. And the answer is no. With each failed cycle, each birthday, Christmas and New Year, I feel a little further away. There is more distance between me and my little girl. The memories blur slightly, I can't remember the name of her NICU Dr, the pain of missing her is less, which is a relief and a sadness.

The future?

I did another cycle, hot on the heels of the last one. It was all fine but I overstimmed and was unable to transfer due to high hormones. I was collecting a lot of water in my body cavity and not peeing enough compared to what i was drinking. I missed a few days of work (again). Felt bad - again. On the bright side, at the end of the PGD testing we froze four healthy embryos and I can have a drink and I didn't have to do the 2ww over Christmas

Which sets the New Year up for a run of frozen cycles, which I can stand. Damn it I can do a fresh one these days without raising a sweat. The physical holds no fear for me. But recovering again from the heart break of a failed cycle..... That terrifies me. I hate it so much. And of course it always co-incides with a pg or birth announcement. I try not to carry too much self pity in this regard but 4 nieces and 5 kids between my two best friends (for a start) in 3 years has hurt me more than I care to admit. Because no matter how I try and think about it, I can't seem to shake the feeling when I am with them, or, more accurately, when I come home, that I am standing in the darkness staring through a lighted window.

So. it's off on another holiday. I know I haven't been posting often but I do try to follow your stories and comment, so please forgive if I miss something over January. The holiday plan started as a trip to Bhutan and has ended as 3 weeks in Tasmania. The whole - what if I'm pg? thing - yeah right! But I'm not complaining about 3 weeks in Tassie. It'll be about food, camping and music. In that order. We have our priorities right.

If your Christmas can't be merry, may it at least be peaceful.

Much love



Lavender Luz said...

For me, the feeling of being excluded, of "standing in the darkness staring through a lighted window" is almost as difficult as the heartbreak of a failed cycle.

In any case, I wish for you a fabulous time in Tasmania (sounds so cool!) and a very merry AND peaceful 2010.

luna said...

I know what you mean about that distance, getting further from your little girl. a strange way to feel.

wishing you a wonderful birthday and a fantastic vacation! sounds awesome.

and best of luck with your frozen cycles! I'll be sending you all my best in jan.

Phoebe said...

Happy birthday! The vacation sounds divine! Congrats on the fab four! Wishing us a brighter year in 2010.

Kelly said...

I know what you mean about facing yet another holiday season without a child. It stinks.

Your trip sounds fantastic, and I hope you can enjoy every single second of it!

Michele said...

Dammit B... I am so sorry about the overstimming. But hopefully the new year is going to bring good news with a FET.

I am glad your pain is less, sad that you feel farther away from Maya. Time is a bitch that way. It's been between 1 and 2 years for us and I know what you mean about forgetting details... It hurts.

Sending hugs and peace this Christmas...

Virginia said...

I'm sorry it's so hard, but you are not alone in that right now. Enjoy your trip as much as you can, and I hope it brings you some peace.

Panamahat said...

Hope your time in Tassie was great. Good place to go for food! Sorry you overstimmed, but glad to hear you now have some frozen embryos to work with in the new year. Wishing you every success, as I always do, and always hope for.

Don't think I can help you with the organic fruit fly advice, unfortunately. We do have fruit fly, but as yet, no fruit, so I haven't had to schlepp about with traps (but I am sure I will in the future). Also, for some reason, they don't seem to affect my tomatoes. This place sells traps for QLD fruit fly, but not Mediterranean. They also have useful organic products for other garden pests.

As for caterpillars in tomatoes, we don't have that issue either. Though we DO get millipedes (Portuguese) in them (YUCK!) instead. There is nothing to be done about that problem, as they have no natural predators and I refuse to put even pytrethrum on something I am actually going to eat. I just grow a lot of tomatoes, so there is enough for both of us.

I have yet to set up my bottling process, so don't book your ticket yet! I am waiting to build my food storage shed - at the moment I have nowhere to store vast amounts of bottles and jars. We could just whip up any old thing, but we are going to use cob (might need to google that!), being the eco-hippies we are, which is time consuming hard work, and I REALLY want some of our many other projects to come to completion before we embark on the most major one yet. Let's talk autumn 2011. Unless you want to come and help us cob!

And thanks for the hair compliment!

I also think YOU rock. xx

Panamahat said...

Oh and yes that IS a curry plant you spy next to the lemongrass - EAGLE EYES!!! All recipes will be gladly received. (and not only for curry leaves. Any food. I love food). I mainly use curry leaves in my dahl, but would love to branch out. They are so delicious fresh. I am glad we can keep the plant alive in this climate. I had to bring inside each winter until we built the shade house, after it had a near miss with the frost.

P.S. I originally (erroneously) wrote this in the comment section of your previous post. So that is why you have a 'deleted' comment from me there...

Me said...

Your trip sounds like fun. I hope 2010 brings you the much awaited light.

Pamela said...

I hope your trip provides you the space and peace you so deserve...wishing much happiness.

S said...

thinking of you both. lots of love and understanding - hope you had a peaceful time away.


Kami said...

Wishing you a very fruitful 2010.

My b-day is 6 days before Christmas. I remember those days very clearly. The mark of another year older followed by that stupid holiday season.

Damn, I wish I could do more than just hope good things for you.

On a selfish note, you always see the most beautiful places. Got any pics to share?

Lisa DG said...

Hoping 2010 brings all you have ever desired. I know how hard it is to continue to have faith, especially after repeated failures. My 5 year journey has been more traumatic than I ever thought I could stand.

All I can say is please do not give up. This is something you want very much and the journey is not at all as you pictured it. But you still can be mom.

I will cross my fingers that this year reveals a smooth and easy path to pregnancy for you.

S said...

Thinking of you. How are you guys doing?


Kami said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I wanted to say "hi" back and tell you that I think of you often. Believe me, when you get that healthy pregnancy going, I will dance naked around the fire to celebrate.

I hope one (or two) of your frozen embryos works some magic in your womb and brings you a baby soon.

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