Monday, 16 May 2011

On a 5th Birthday



It's my daughter's birthday today.

Is it possible to feel like a bad mother even when your child is dead?

I feel bad that I haven't spent ages thinking and crying about her these last few days. The thing is, I've spent more time thinking and crying about the failed IVF's, chemicals, and the miscarriage earlier this year, then I have thinking about Maya. I can't bring myself to spend hours staring at photos that are another year older, and cry. I feel like a sucky mum.

I'm guessing the tears for my sweet girl will come on Friday. I always crash on Fridays.

But in honour of her dear little life, here is a photo of Her Sweetness.




Heart.


Sigh.


38 comments:

MFA Mama said...

*sigh*

So sweet, that photo.

Michele said...

I'm not sure why, but I had the uncontrollable urge to make peanut butter cookies today... and Maya was on my mind. So I've made her birthday cookies... When I eat one later today, I'll think of her, as I always do.. and of you- her very special mama.

That picture is beautiful. Love and hugs to you dear one... Many, many hugs and much much love.

msfitzita said...

You should feel exactly the way you feel, and not allow any guilt to creep in. After 5 years it's okay to face the birthdays with fewer tears. Or none at all. Especially when you've had other traumas follow.

It's also okay to cry until you have no more fluid left in your body.

It's all okay. We do what we have to do.

(((((HUGS))))) to you and that beautiful wee girl on her birthday.

Catherine W said...

Beautiful, sweet little girl.

Happy birthday Maya.

Lavender Luz said...

So beautiful. Eternally beautiful.

Abiding with you, B.

luna said...

big heart sigh.

abiding with you as you remember sweet maya.

five years for me too this year, it's a tough one. xoxo

Kristen said...

Beautiful girl. :)
In my experience, grief is a funny thing, and the thinking about the situation and tears don't always come when you expect them to. It's OK to heal and not be hysterical about her birthday. Time heals things a little, I think. For me it seems to be the only thing that heals.
Hugs to you.
xo

Anonymous said...

You are a great mom! you have not forgotten your little one and I don't think any mom can in her heart of hearts.
This link below worked for me...its a clinic in India (also featured on Oprah) and in case of surrogacy percentage of the fees goes to helping the poor surrogate mothers. http://www.ivfcharotar.com/
Wish and pray for you!

Phoebe said...

Sigh, indeed. It's all so sad, but you don't have to be in that sadness all the time. I know what you mean about being more sad lately about the failed IVFs, but I'm even starting not to be sad about that all the time now.

So nice that you honored Maya on her b-day. Lovely picture. Thanks for sharing!

alone said...

stumbled on your blog on a bad day.... read the post......... suddenly felt my troubles are not even troubles......... tomorrow may be a better day. thats what i always belive

S said...

beautiful picture for a beautiful birthday angel girl. for Maya.

and I have to admit... I've felt the same lately. the grief and the infertility rise up like those two fighting wolves inside the heart... who wins?

have been thinking of you even in the midst of my own private bleh.

big hugs.

Anonymous said...

B
I wanted you to know that I think you very often, and I still here...

Maya is just beautiful, the photo is breathtaking.

Much love to you friend

MLG

Jacob the Golem said...

I think your daughter would be proud of your strength

Олег Гаврилин said...
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Anonymous said...

That was very touching (this is comeing from me a gurl that has no heart ) :)

ana10 said...

I dont think you are a sucky mom for not crying. To be honest i think its good that you dont live in morn every day of your life.i know it must still hurt you that she is not here but you have to move on and not live your life badly.

buzzingstreet said...
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BrittneyG said...

Just came across your blog and wanted to say that I'm touched by your entries.

I don't have a whole lot more to say. Just wanted to assure you that someone is out there reading about your and your precious Maya.

The 'Smarty Pants' Family said...

Such a precious photo

Cheap Essay said...
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Toni said...

I came across your blog and wanted to say that I could not imagine what you are going through. It is not bad at all that you feel the way you do, as this is what healing is all about.

She will always be with you, in your heart. Faith works in mysterious ways and you are doing well.

My Aunt had three children and she lost two, one at the age of 3 and the other at the age of 16, drowning and illness. She grew closer in faith.

My Cousin lost her son at the age of 16 motorbike accident. She has destroyed herself with grief and her life around her.

So hang in there you are doing the best you can. Anger is fine and blaming others is fine too, they will never feel what you feel deep inside. Peace will come your way, and maybe you could take in a beautiful little baby from an orphanage or become a foster parent, this is very rewarding indeed.

Thinking of you at this time and I admire your strength!

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kevin21 said...
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Anonymous said...
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The Cats Meow said...

i came across your blog and wanted to let you know (although you dont know me at all) that you and maya are in my heart today. you two are quite special if you can touch a strangers heart forever.

-jaclyn

kevin21 said...
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Pour partager ma mode said...
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aliciajahnke said...

i'm not sure whether you'll think i have a right to post anything as i'm only 16 and 'haven't appreciated the world yet' well according to my mother...
that is why unlike some of these comments i personally don't plan to offer advice on what you should or shouldn't be feeling because eventhough some may feel this is insensitive i don't feel that it would be my place to...(obviously there is nothing wrong with doing this) you should be free to do what ever you want and to feel what ever you feel right or wrong in others eyes...
that is why i merely offer my deepest sympathy and to tell you that your blog touched me so very deeply.
Whether you pay attention to this comment or not i don't mind but after reading this please be assured that i personally think your so very brave in every aspect.
much love and hope x

Dr.X said...

No, u r not a bad mother. The effort you went through by IVF just to bring a life to this world so u can nurture and nourish her, already is a prove of u being a wonderful mother. By god's grace, I wish u hv a more fruitful future.

sbo said...
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Berni Edwards said...

Thinking of you as May is almost upon us again....much love from Berni in the UK (Liam’s mummy). xXx

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Arya Samaj Mandir said...
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Lavender Luz said...

Thinking of you today. You and Maya.

XOXO

Serendipitie said...

(((HUGS)))

Michele said...

I know I'm a day early this year, but just thinking about you and Miss Maya... Will put my hands in the dirt tomorrow and think of her as I plant a flower and light a candle in her memory on this side of the pond. Hugs, B... Many, many hugs...

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Congratulation for a beautiful daughter.
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