I guess this post is really a post-script to the earlier post about fertile friends.
There has been one friend in particular that I have been dreading interacting with. She is a beautiful and supportive friend and has been a fallback "safe place" for me while other close friends have been pregnant and then mothers. Which was partly why it tipped me so much when she told me she was pg. My safe place wasn't safe anymore.
She told me she was pg a few days before I was due for a frozen embryo transfer. As it happened, I had the "tottaly unexpected" horror of having neither of my two embryos survive the thaw and thus the transfer never went ahead and I was back at square one and further away then ever from having a living child. So, I guess the timing wasn't that great either. Along with her "it's only a matter of time" comment. Which we all know is a lie. But it was very uncharacteristic of her to say something to make the situation emotionally comfortable for herself.
Well I was getting more and more worked up about having to see her. I was trying to think of the things I can do (as per suggestioni from my counselor) and I had sent her a card to say I was thinking of her. In particularly, I was dreading the engagement party of a mutual good friend. A "happy" occasion. And one that is definately not about me. But an occasion when I knew I would see my pg friend.
Tuesday night my husband and I were driving to a friends place for dinner and I was discussing/ crying/ wondering how to cope. Should I call her and arrange to hang out before hand? Should I tell her how hard it is for me to be around her? But it's not really anything to do with her, the problem is pretty much on my side etc etc blah blah blah ( I am sure you all know the drill). In the middle of dinner that evening I got a message from her hubbie asking if they could come and stay the night as they had had builders in and the long and short of the story was that they were unexpectedly unable to sleep at home.
So they came over. And funnily enough my friend hadn't turned into a scary monster - she was still the same person. And I avoided all conversation about pregnancy until late in the evening when I asked a very general question about how it was going then retired to bed about a minute later.
I still had bad sleep and wierd dreams after this interaction (why is it so God damn hard?) and I don't know how I'll be in future interactions. But I feel kinda glad my hand was forced in this situation.
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4 comments:
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the fertile/infertile friendship struggle. The whole thing really is uncomfortable and unfair.
It is so hard having good friends get pregnant. Hopefully she will be the kind of good friend who just doesn't talk about it. With many of my friends I NEVER talk about their pregnancy. I can email them about it but never with my own words. We play this game up until they are huge and I still ignore it. You do what you have to do. If they are good friends, they will understand the need to ignore.
I am glad this situation was forced on you. It makes the upcoming party easier to deal with.
HUGS!
I so appreciate your difficulty here. It has been eight months since I saw my formerly very close friend because I just don't know how to accept and interact with her anymore. Your last post has stayed with me, and while I don't wish this level of discomfort on anyone, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone in my feelings.
I hope we both work through those complex emotions and get to a healthy, comfortable place.
It's really ironic, but at the same time the situation is very sad...Life becomes very difficult sometimes.
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