Thursday, 13 March 2008

Some things

You should check out my husband's blog (link to your right - my dearest). He doesn't blog about the IF thing.

But you will see a lot photos of him eating, me eating, our friends eating, the food we make, and the scraps after people have eaten the food we make.

Can you tell that food is a hot topic in our house?

I was very impatient with one of the kids at school today. He keeps sticking his hand down my top and tugging at my bra.
So the internal dialogue goes like this

Good Barbie " It's a way of trying to communicate, what is he trying to tell me?"
Bitch Barbie "back off and STOP TOUCHING ME"
Good Barbie "Maybe he's not coping, maybe the work is too hard, maybe it's too boring"
Bitch Barbie "Why don't you just SPEAK to me. There are these things called words and they work for the rest of us. We don't have to pull clothes off each other"
Good Barbie "Hey little Mister. Why don't you grab this elmo doll instead"
Bitch Barbie (and todays winner) physical wrestle to untangle kid from my clothes and get him to sit down. Shouting "NO" in a startling manner.

(times that scenario by about 10 and you have a little piece of my day).

Yeah - there are days when I feel like I really could improve quite a bit at my job.

The weird thing is, I forgave myself for being like this when I was in the middle of the IVF cycle and had that mountain of stress. But it does not seem OK to be like this now. And today is not even a cry day. No tears today, just a run of the mill, life-after-your-baby-has-died-and- a-string-of-failed-IVF-attempts kind of a day.

I had a great massage last week. It released so much sadness and I had to do a lot of weeping for the next few days.
But it grounded me somehow. It was one of those great moments when you are so vulnerable that you will trust anyone - and somehow - this person was just the person to trust. Not that I spoke with her beyond "I'm really sad" but I completely gave myself up to her care. Her hands and my body had a heartfelt conversation. And she undid something, and put something else back together. And then she pulled something out and shook it from her hands and it left me. It wasn't the end of sadness, but it was a beginning. I had strength to enter my grief. To let myself live the aching pain of hope gone dry, again, and know that I will live beyond this too.


Sunny said...

"It wasn't the end of sadness, but it was a beginning. I had strength to enter my grief." Beautifully spoken, but it oh so breaks my heart.

I had a massage for the day of my due date. As she is rubbing my arms I began to gasp and almost cry. My arms should have been holding a baby that day. Then lullaby began to play. If I had guts I would have let myself weep right then.


Anonymous said...

I think you have every right to still feel the things you do; post-IVF or any other day. Just remember to forgive yourself for doing it.

In many respects, I don't think I've completely forgiven myself for some of the actions that I did post-IVF, oh... some 4 yrs ago now. And the guilt I feel with it is such a killer. (Gotta work harder on this ...)

But I think you're well on your way. The fact that you now have the strength to enter your grief is a sure sign of it.

Wishing you lots of HUGS on this next journey! I'm just a blog away if you need anything!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Like Sunny, you've touched me with your powerful words here. This, too, is what I've been trying to do: "To let myself live the aching pain of hope gone dry, again, and know that I will live beyond this too."

CLC said...

I think I may give the massage thing a try. I just have to get this pain out. It's like I can physically feel it in every part of my body.

Thinking of you.

Kami said...

Once again, you express things so beautifully.

I think there is a connection between release the tension in your body that allows the release of pent up emotion.

luna said...

beautiful post. a good massage with that kind of connection can just open it all up and begin to release some of the pain. I'm so glad you could have that experience right now. and hope you can keep it flowing.

my grief counselor used to say that we harbor grief in physical pain, best illustrated by heartache. but that pain lives in every cell and gathers in our tension spots. we hold it in except when we release it in small amounts, through writing or tears... a good massage can be wonderful for opening up to everything you need to feel. thinking of you. ~luna

thinking of you. ~luna

luna said...

I meant to also say I love your hub's food blog. I want to start one too! ~luna

Angela said...

Hey, thanks for the comment on my blog. I'm so sorry for this most recent loss. I'll be checking in on you more often.