Monday, 16 March 2009

My baby and embryos

I only seem to make ones that die.

In my arms, in my womb, in the freeze, in the petri dish.

All of them die.

And I just don't know if I can keep on with this for much longer.

You know you're getting near the end when stop taking HPT because you know that knowing the worst will be much worse than not knowing. And I was right, knowing the worst is worse than not knowing.

Doc wants to do more test - this time on Jake. But I am really not sure if I have it in me.

24 comments:

luna said...

oh B, I hear you, I feel you, and I am so sorry. sadly, I think I know how you feel. it really sucks sadness.

sending you some love and strength around the world.

Just Caz said...

I'm so sorry darlin.
You do have the strength, you've come so far and you've got amazing courage.

Panamahat said...

I am hearing you loud and clear too. I just can't imagine making a baby that doesn't die before it draws breath. Not to be particularly morbid, it's just how I feel. Disbelief. Sending you hugs xx

Melissa said...

I can't believe that I'm crying for someone I've never met or even carried on a conversation with... Yet, I am. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

CLC said...

I am so sorry.

Coming2Terms said...

i so understand how you feel. there's little i can say to make things better but i just wanted you to know i care ...

Bluebird said...

I am so incredibly sorry. I can't imagine how spent you must feel. Please take care of yourself and your sweet hubby.

Michele said...

I am so sorry. I wish that I could do something to change our pasts... Make our futures safe and secure...

Don't give up, dear one. Little Maya and all your babes are watching over you, sending you their love. While it is so hard to do test after test, if you still feel it in your heart, I'd say try. But that is said with all my baggage and I'm not sure that I would listen to me.

Sending you hugs and love from across the oceans.

Lori said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Big hugs. Abiding with you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry B. I have so little that I can say, so little that I can do.

I'm sorry. I'm here, I'm listening.

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

Oh B, I am so sorry. I wish I could just hug you.
Just be kind to yourself and make a decision when you feel ready.
I wish there was more I could do or say, please know that I have and will continue to keep you close.

MrsSpock said...

I feel awful for you. I'm so sorry.

Kami said...

Oh B, I'm sorry. I think I know how you feel and it is awful and empty and full of questions that seem to have no answers.

I'm here listening and sending you comforting thoughts. I wish I could do more.

Rachel said...

I'm sorry. It's all awful and difficult to take. I couldn't take it. Thinking of you.

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry. You have been through so much. I agree with you that there is only so much heartbreak one can take. I've thought the same thing myself as I approach this FET that I don't know how much more treatment I can take. Take care and many hugs to you.

Emily said...

I am so very sorry...thinking of you and wishing you peace and time to heal your heart & soul...

emily
LFCA

mrsmuelly said...

Ugghhh, I hate this. I'm so very sorry.

((((Hugs))))

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so incredibly sorry, B.

Lisa DG said...

It's a shitty deal. I wish I could make it better for you- and I know that feeling- how much more can one woman endure?

I'm here for you too.

jodie38 said...

Oh, no. I'm so very sorry....absolutely, horribly unfair. Thinking of you.

Me said...

I'm sorry.

Lorraine said...

I'm so sorry to read this! I just don't know why it has to be so hard.

Invivo said...

I'm so sorry. Take care of that heart of yours.

S said...

I'm so sorry mate. I had tears in my eyes as I read:

I only seem to make ones that die.

In my arms, in my womb, in the freeze, in the petri dish.

All of them die."

I hear you. God, I don't want to know how this feels like but I do. Its an endless assault of emotion and pain. How many more tests can you endure? Only you and Jake know the answer to that question. I hope you never give up, but that's me hoping for you, because I recognise in you the same determination I have.

I'm so sorry. I hate how this feels, after all that emotions and money riding on a hope wave. It fucking sucks.

Thinking of you...