Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Hey there

I'm here. Aint been round much........

I been tryin to stuff things into this great big hole.

A beautiful new garden (you should see the bromiliads at home in the big old olive), a holiday (I broke my wrist skiing and now have to do everything with my left hand), concerts, fine meals...... all the luxuries Double Income No Kids can offer.

It aint working. It doesn't make a dent in the emptiness.

And I think that I am sliding in. After all the grieving there is a terrifying emptiness that scares me so much.

Why do we have kids? Why do we long so deeply for it?

Is it because we fear death?


Michele said...

I'm so glad you posted. I've been thinking a lot about you and was going to email to check in.

Sorry about your wrist. I'm quite a bone breaker and dealing with doing things minus an arm or leg is never fun.

I have often wondered those same questions. It seems wrong to think that people do just to do it... I like to think that, for most of us, it is because we love so deeply... But I dont know...

Dee.. said...

Hey there, here from Polly's. Hope your wrist will recover soon.
I wonder about the same question too. And the answer is I want a family.

M said...

i'm so glad to see you back. i was concerned... and also just really missed reading your posts.

it is the emptiness that is so horrible. grief, i can understand and work on/through. depression though is harder... and depression goes hand-in-hand with the feeling of empty. it sucks away all the pleasure in things, big and little, and removes meaning from living.

i'm not sure that hole can be 'stuffed' full. it's almost like you have to become okay living with it as a part of you. it's there, but it's not the only part of you that matters.

if that makes any sense at all...

mostly i'm just glad to see you around again =)

Lavender Luz said...

Hi! So nice to hear from you, B.

I understand the fear of the abyss, and the energy it takes to avoid going There.

Why DO we have kids? Are we simply programmed to do so, a "survival of the species thing"?

Is it vanity, to see our wonderful selves in another person?

Is it therapy? To get a shot at fixing all that went wrong in our own childhoods?

Hmmmm....you've made me think.

Phoebe said...

Your post breaks my heart. I've been feeling sad today too.

Why do we want/have kids? I'm beginning to think it is because we have these spirits floating around us that want to be our children. I have one who has been around me a long time. I can feel her. I have felt her for a very long time. I really want her to be my child, but she is reluctant to come into this world.

I guess it comes down to love. The instinct to have kids is strong, but it's got to be more than that because the heart is definitely fully engaged for me. I never knew how much until I lost what I wanted so badly. HUGS!!

Kami said...

I don't think it is a fear of death because I fear death much more now since LB was born. Although, I do think about how my life will not go on in anyway unless I have an impact on her since she isn't of my genetics.

I think it is just a primal need. For me, that need was cemented with Ernest.

I wish you peace and motherhood.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and wanted to say how sorry I am about Maya. xo

Pamela said...

Coming here to be with you, to offer a small bit of something to help fill up the great big hole.

luna said...

peering over that cliff into the abyss is a profoundly scary thing. the emptiness of grief and loss is so overpowering. I wish you strength and peace to sit with it, my friend.

hope your wrist heals quickly!

in answer to your question, I know I wanted to experience a different phase of life and growth, among other things...

S said...

Hi ... glad to have you back. Wish we all had some good news. Nothing's going to fill that great big hole, that's what I've become now - a great big (w)hole. I don't know if I want kids because I fear death. I can't explain the whys of this stupid fucked up longing, maternal instinct whatever the fuck they call it.

Its like I have all this love and this goodness and its just trapped inside me, (fluttering its wings like a fucking trapped bird knowing every day is a day closer to death), just wanting something, a baby to come along so that it can come uncorked and the pressure can pop before it kills and consumes me entirely.

Wish we had our baby girls. And my baby boy.

This life is starting to look real bleak. Empty but too full. Like a mass of unmarked graves.

I hope you guys are doing okay. I hope that one day we get to feel this joy that some take for granted.



Becky said...

I don't know. I just don't know. Thinking of you from here in the U.S.

M said...

Just thinking of you today... Wanted you to know that.

Kami said...

I have been thinking about you lately. I hope you are doing well.

caitsmom said...

(((hugs))) Keeping you in my thoughts.

excavator said...

Good morning, B.

I read your responses on Mrs. Spit's Anger and Forgiveness post, and so stopped by.

I agree that forgiveness is a choice;; so often we're pressured to choose before we've had a chance to live the conditions.

I lingered to read your posts about Maya. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Oh, you must miss her so much.

Me said...

I didn't respond to this when you wrote it. I should have. But I didn't. 'Cuz I didn't know what to say. Truthfully, I still don't. But I need to punctuate the silence to let you know I'm still listening.

Lavender Luz said...

What happened to your arm??

I've wanted to email you, but don't have the addy. If you'd like, let me know. bestlightlori at the gmail place.


Kelly said...

Hi - thanks for your recent comment on my blog (uninterrupted prosperity). I am so sorry to hear your story and to learn that your sweet Maya was only with you for such a short period of time. I wish you the best in your ongoing journey.

Panamahat said...

Irvin D Yalom "Staring at the Sun: overcoming the dread of death" talks about this very notion - reproduction to stave off the fear of one own's death. I recommend taking a look at it, and also while you're down there, Darian Leader's The New Black: mourning, melancholia and depression. I think there are few gems in there and if I ever get around to it I'm going to do a blog entry on these two one day.

Some may wonder about the choice of reading material on my bedside table. But our kinds of journeys lead one to these kind of places. And besides, having a good hard wade around in the meaning of life and how we live it can be a very healthy thing.

Thanks for all your supportive comments. Sorry I missed the deckchair theatre - your advice came a day late and I was already in Bali. Maybe next time!

Hope this month is treating you a little better. I don't like it when you go all quiet.

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