Monday, 30 November 2009

Thanks

For your caring support.

I was touched and uplifted by you dear people leaving thoughtful messages.

Of course - I'm both completely alone, and with a crowd of many in that experience. As we all are - as some of you pointed out.

I guess what makes a difference for me is having someone know. I've given up expecting people in my life to understand this experience. I have found that expectation to be unhelpful as it leads to an intense anger as they inevitably fail at doing that. It's not fair to expect people with living kids to imagine their babies dying in their arms. To imagine their family not existing...... Because they do exist, and to ask them to imagine otherwise is, at some level, a betrayal of what is. And yet, it is the experience many of us live each day, and, 3 years later, it can still knock the breath out of me. So, I have given up telling people (who I can see) what is happening for me, I've shared some of the practical details, but where I am at emotionally, what I'm feeling.......... by and large I keep it to myself (apart from my husband, and even sometimes from him).

It's kind of sad but kind of OK. I am learning to be my own support. To hold myself - so to speak - to check in on my inside people and have compassion on them. To give them protection, time and space.

Sometimes though, it's not enough. I just need someone to see.......

So thanks for baring witness.

Your capacity to show love to me, a stranger, is the kind of miracle that helps me believe in spite of everything.

humbly

B

14 comments:

MK said...

I understand what you are saying when you say you keep apart from people, sometimes even your husband. It feels like lately it's just not worth the effort to talk anymore. I'm still grieving but I'm grieving in silence now. Before, I feel like it was easier somehow, to let people know that I'm in pain. Now, I just can't anymore. I don't know when it got easier to just say nothing. I hate the BT so much for doing this to us.

Me said...

I only wish that I could do more.

Michele said...

Oh B... You arent a stranger. This hurt and pain... it takes away our anonymity and bonds us as sisters in thus journey.

I relate to trting to express yourself to irl folks who simply cant relate because they cant fathom losing a child. It's hard to just say goodbye to support you need when you realize they cant give it.

Sending love from across the miles...

M said...

that is what we do for eachother... isn't it? bare witness to our experiences. validate that our feelings and emotions are okay to have. we have reached out to make connections that make us feel less alone in a world that doesn't understand us.

and i agree with michele. i don't think of you as a stranger. even if i were to stop reading tomorrow, or during your long pauses, i think of you and wish you well. you'll always be in our hearts because you've touched us with your words and love and passion.

Pamela said...

Your posts are like poetry -- so heartfelt and so powerful. Too bad there's a Pacific Ocean between us...would love to get to know you in person.

oxoxoxo, Pamela

luna said...

it's so hard to feel so alone and misunderstood in the midst of such sadness.

it's been almost 3 yrs since I lost my son too and it doesn't get any easier in that people still don't get it and if anything our loss is just even further out of their minds. my infertility became the more glaring problem (warranting pity but not compassion) in their eyes. it continues to feel as if our son had never existed simply because they never met him.

sending you a bug hug from across the ocean, and abiding with you and your aching heart.

Kami said...

It is so true - what you said, what others have said.

I wish I could make circumstances different for you or at least be there in person to be with you.

You are doing well. I am listening.

lastchanceivf said...

You're right, most people in real life don't know--they simply cannot know. It's frustrating to expect them to. I, too, thank god for my online support. Without it, I think I'd be gone.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

Phoebe said...

I hate that feeling of being alone too. But there are others out here. I'm sorry I can't be physically there for you, but if I could, I would.

Panamahat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
B said...

Sorry panamahat. I accidentally deleted your comment while trying to remove spam comments from my blog. Please forgive and know that it was not intentional and I promise to pay more attention in the future!

Aghhhh!

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