Friday, 14 May 2010

Your 4th Birthday



For your birthday, I made coconut ice for some of the people who loved you. I put it in a little origami paper box that I made, and wrapped it in bubble wrap and posted it to them.

It had a little note in it which read

" In memory of Maya, who would be four
and for all the others we have held in our hearts and hope"

And I am sorry that you have to carry all that weight. That somehow, the death of other little tiny sparks of hope get hitched onto your death. That your death becomes more than your death, it becomes a symbol for all the little deaths, and eventually, the death of hope.

It is not fair of me to put this on you. But I am so sorrowful and I don't know where to put all these other little deaths. They break my heart too, just as your leaving did, but they go so silently, and unmarked. I want them known too, at least a little. So I let them hitch a ride with you. And I let others use your name as a short hand way of expressing all the grief and pain of these four years. I do it myself sometimes. I can barely tell where one sorrow ends and the others start.

But I am sorry for this. Because, it's not yours to bear. It swamps the memory of your sweetness, as if all you ever brought to us was sorrow, when in fact, what you brought was joy.

So I made coconut ice. It seemed fitting for a four year old girl, or the idea of such. Pink and sweet, a little old fashioned, nostalgic, a taste of childhood.

I will be dreaming of you this birthday. Aching, when I wake and loose you again.

Little girl

I love you.

Love your mum

28 comments:

Lavender Luz said...

Sweet. And bitter.

Abiding with you, B. Remembering with you.

luna said...

oh B, just beautiful. I know that feeling of not being able to tell where one sorrow ends and the others begin. hugs to you my friend.

remembering sweet Maya with you today. xo

Catherine W said...

Remembering your beautiful Maya, on what might have been her fourth birthday, and all your little sparks. I'm so very sorry.

loribeth said...

Thinking of you & your little girl, & all the "might have beens." (((hugs)))

Michele said...

OH B... My heart hurts and I am weeping... Pools of tears... So heartbroken that you are missing your sweet girl, who should be an active four year old at your knees.

I will make beautiful miss Maya a cake and we will remember her on this side of the ocean too. And you and her sweet dad always.

Virginia said...

Hugs to you, and remembering your very special little girl.

Kami said...

I dreamed of you last night and woke hoping for a surprise post from you.

This is a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I will be sharing in your remembered joy today and all of your sorrow.

S said...

Beautiful post. Happy 4th Birthday Maya. Remembering with you from LFCA.

MrsSpock said...

Remembering your beautiful Maya with you...

Phoebe said...

The feelings you write about feel all too familiar to me. All the losses just seem to blur into one big loss. Big hugs to you. Happy birthday sweet Maya. You were loved and are missed.

Panamahat said...

Not knowing what to say, except to tell you I am crying with you. xx

Kelly said...

I am stopping by from LFCA and wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your remembering your baby girl is beautiful and touching.

(((HUGS)))

Kelly said...

I am stopping by from LFCA and wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your remembering your baby girl is beautiful and touching.

(((HUGS)))

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Abiding with you and remembering with you, B. And just virtually holding your hand.

lastchanceivf said...

I don't even know what to say, except that I'm so sorry for your loss. She will never ever be forgotten.

Kristin said...

My heart aches for you. Thinking of you and little Maya today and always.

Another Dreamer said...

So sweet, and so full of love. Thinking of you and your lost ones.

DaisyGal said...

I am going to tell you something about finding people that you don't know and yet you want to read their story, want to share their joy or pain.
It's hard to be here, you don't know me, I can tell you I'm sorry and mean it, but you won't know that for sure.
I can say that getting here through the roundup makes it easy to just write:
"I'm so sorry and sending you love " but that doesn't seem appropriate. It feels that way. I want to say that and have you believe it, but it's a time of grief for you and that's hard to ask you to believe in my sorrow with and for you.

You're a beautiful writer, a beautiful mom, a beautiful person. I am so sorry about your loss, I am thinking of you and wishing for some comfort in your soul and heart. A wish that you and your daugther are held in love today.

Thank you for letting me share this day and this post.

Berni said...

Walking with you here in the UK too ~ ~ ~ always and forever just like our mummy love for our babies ~ ~ ~

msfitzita said...

I absolutely love this idea - I think it's so beautiful and meaningful to send out sweet remembrances to those who cared most about your darling girl. I'm sure it meant a lot to them.

Sending (((HUGS))) your way. And (((HUGS))) to Maya and your little Sparks too.

S said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S said...

Had to edit my post.

I'm sorry I missed Maya's special day (also my birthday). How bittersweet this time is. 4 years? Oh how time flies when you're having...fun. :(
Sending you love and hugs (because that is all I can do), and hoping you and Jake are doing as best as you can (given the circumstances).
Love
S

P.S. It is Janaki's 3 year birthday this month. Just passed Little My's 1st. I often think of Maya when I think of my girls.

Wall Lights said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
S said...

Just aching. bittersweet. xx

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