Thursday, 11 October 2007

tis the season to be knocked up

I lied. God doesn't love me at all. He may even hate me, or curse me.

I am being a bridesmaid in three weeks. The bride just told me that my fellow bridesmaid is officially announcing her pregnancy..... and my response "wow. That's really great." and then get off the phone and bawl. I was already afraid because I know that my other pregnant friend will be there (you know... the one who ended up staying over at our house....) and I know that the day after the wedding I am going to a one year birthday/thanksgiving for my friends little bubba and there are going to be all these babies there born after my little girl. So its already an emotionally loaded weekend.....

No-ones knows how much it costs me to participate in their lives. I wouldn't make any other choice.... I just need a witness to my courage in continuing to participate. I need someone to see how hard it is, and how much courage it takes to be involved. Call me dependent. But I need a big fuckin "congratulations - on being a friend to your friends when the price is so high. you deserve an honorary degree in something"

Did I mention my next door neighbour who is pregnant? I stupidly spilled the beans about our last failed IVF cycle (the one before this) only to find out a month later that she was pregnant. We have been studiously avoiding each other which is hard given that there is only a few metres between her front door and mine. And it's (almost)summer so we all spend our time outside anyway. It's like when Maya died - 5 other cousins were pg, 2 workmates, 2 bestfriends and my sister.

Man it hurts. And i hate to say it but it is getting worse. I have been desperate to have a child since Maya died. Each new pregnancy feels like a nose rub in the shit.

And I voice my protest to whoever cares to listen.... actually... just to God and you and my husband.

But God doesn't hear and you guys and husband can't change it (I know you would).

Excuse the lack of imagination in this post..... somedays there is just no love.


Sunny said...

I wish others knew how much courage and strength it took to be in their lives at times. I wish we got a medal of honor at each event. Just someone to recognize us. HUGS!

You aren't alone with the many stupid fertiles surrounding you. I have swarms of them over here too. IT SUCKS!

I just read a chapter in a book (21 most effective prayers of the bible). One of the chapters was about Hannah and how she prayed, God Remember Me. I have been praying that. Just remember me. I feel left out and lost. Then he gives me this verse twice in a week, Psalms 35:15, My time is in Your hands. I am not sure if it gives you any hope but it sure helps me.


Juliet said...

I just read the whole of your blog. You're a brave woman - even if it is forced on you. Your writing expresses things profoundly. You describe the horror of your situation so well I sit here feeling like I've been hit. I'm dealing with IF too, but my heart goes out even more to you. And you're so honest about how angry it makes you; I'm angry too, and punch drunk from all of the pregnancy announcements and friends I no longer connect with; it's comforting to know someone else knows the extremes. Thanks for writing all of this down, it does help others you know. You're not alone.

Kami said...

I'm so sorry B. I recognize how hard it is for you.

I know you said that participating in their lives is the only option for you, but I would like to encourage you to reconsider.

It was about a year after we lost our son that I stopped attending every event. I can't tell you how liberating it was to realize I could say no. I still don't think people really understood how hard it was, but they did stop trying to convince me to attend. Even if I do attend, I will often tell the host that I may leave early if it becomes too emotionally difficult.

You are in survival mode and you need to take care of yourself because no one else can.

Courtney said...

I am sending lots of love vibes and thoughts your way.

Kristen said...

I want to give you a big congrats for having the strength to go on with these obligations to your friends despite your own pain. I hope that your friends can recognize your courage and give a reward as well.

I hope that God hears your prayers and that you can find peace. I will be thinking and praying for you. XOXO