Monday, 1 October 2007

What is this thing?

I don't normally go in for denial. It's a stage of grief I've never really bothered with. Let me tell you, I know grief..... I know how I grieve... well I think I do.

I'm having this new things happen. And it's scaring me shitless.

I found out on Saturday that there were no helathy little embryos to transfer. The fact that I had remained so positive through the cycle (except for the tiny wee hour on Friday which is when you happened to catch me last), the fact that the daisy whose petals I pulled told me I would have a healthy one, the fact that I was on my knees before God asking Him to see me, just see me this once....... these things didn't count for anything. As if i needed my lack of control reinforced.

I didn't even make it to transfer this time. Shit.

But this new thing.... I seem to have shut down completely emotionally. Yesterday I had a tiny cry, went to the pub for a beer and yes a cigarette, and came home and played jenga (can you pick a more nerve wracking game than waiting for a tower of blocks to fall?) then went to bed and more or less slept. Did I mention that we made love? for the first in unaccountable days/months. Who knows? It's hard to reenter your body when you have spent the last month and a half trying to remove yourself from it while needles, ultrasounds, hormones, pessaries, tablets get put in you. It was hard. It was clumsy. I didn't know what to do. The thing is.... we didn't use contraception (which we never do- it is playing with death). I woke up this morning with this strong feeling that I would become pregnant and it would be a miracle baby (you can't get pregnant 6 days after an egg retreival can you? you know.... if they missed and egg) and because it would be a miracle baby it would be healthy and I would have a child in my arms at last and we could be parents at last. And then I thought about donor embryos and maybe someone would want to donate their embryos to ME. You can't use money in that kind of exchange in OZ (I guess its not an exchange, that is why they call it a donation) so I don't know how you go about finding a donor. But I felt sure that anyone who met us would realise exactly how much love we were able to give and would be happy for their little embies to go to sorrowing couple. We would send them photos and updates. School reports and paintings. They could have as much or little contact as worked. I thought it all through...... "Yes" I thought "we will have kids". So simple.

I went for a two hour walk. We went to Oktoberfest at the daggy German club across the park. I laughed, danced and ate strudel and drank too much beer (obviously didn't have that much faith in being pregnant..... but it is a miracle baby, it can survive anything). I came home and read. The only thing to tell me I am actually "grieving" right now is this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the clenching of my jaws.

So can your body take over your mind? Can it make the decision that enough pain is enough and just take over and let you not feel things anymore? That is what makes me scared.... It's never happened before and so I am worried that when it comes it will be unbearable. I am more worried about my anger.... I swear I find that more unbearable than sorrow and pain. I am scared I will be unsafe. The thoughts I have terrify me so much I wil not even tell you. I mentionted them to Jake and he said "That is not OK".

I lay in bed and prayed and prayed for a sign that God loves me (I'm not normally into "signs and wonders"). I asked him to give me a vision. To come to me. To let me know that he can see this terrifying mess that I am in.

And it is four in the morning and I am not even asleep. Can God come to you when you are awake?

Will I (and we) withstand the storm when it comes?

How can I shelter myself?

7 comments:

Kami said...

I am so sorry. I think you are perfectly normal. There is a numbness that protects you when you just can't take it. You will survive when the anger and sadness hits you too.

I have also thought terrible things. I thought about suicide a lot during the first year after we lost our son. I still get angry when I come across people I imagine got pg easily. Sometimes I secretly hope that their child will die too.

Love yourself and take care of yourself the best you can. I think I told you that I found a wonderful therapist who really helped me cope (she wasn't the first one I tried out either - so keep looking if you decide to go this route)

Is going to another country for donor eggs or donor embryos an option for you?

Well, probably too early to think about options in detail, but I think it is good to know you still have options.

I am very sorry about your PGS results.

jeanie said...

From your post: "So can your body take over your mind? Can it make the decision that enough pain is enough and just take over and let you not feel things anymore? That is what makes me scared.... It's never happened before and so I am worried that when it comes it will be unbearable. I am more worried about my anger.... I swear I find that more unbearable than sorrow and pain."

Yes, I think there does come a point where there is just no space for more pain. It's like the sponge is full and you just can't soak up any more until you find a way to empty it. I wish I knew how to do that.

Your post reminded me of a zen saying: "Dying is no solution, nor living either. But who tells you there is a solution?" I like it because it of the idea that I don't have to find a way to make all the screwed up feelings (or lack thereof) fit together or conform to some idea of "normal". I'm not meaning this as advice-- I know everyone deals with these issues in different ways. Just wanted to share my take on dealing with dissonant / absent emotions

I'd like to be able to make everything better for you. What's happened to you is so incredibly unfair. Of course, all I can do is to express how incredibly sorry I am. I do second Kami's comment about finding a good therapist. It can be hit or miss in finding the right one, but maybe it would be worth pursuing.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I can hear the intense disbelief in your post and the need to not accept what you've been through this cycle. It's completely understandable.

niobe said...

That's happened to me. Sometimes, when I thought I couldn't bear any more pain, it suddenly just seemed to vanish, as if all my suffering had been a dream. And I can never feel my anger at all, though I know it must be there somewhere, disguised as some other feeling.

I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work out. I'm thinking of you.

Carole said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you..
~Carole

Missy said...

I'm so sorry that this round didn't work. And like other commenters, I agree that the brain can only tolerate so much hurt. Then, it just puts your body on auto-pilot to avoid a complete shut down. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that your next cycle is better.

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