Sunday, 22 February 2009


I ended up sending a copy of the post below to my family. They kind of have a vague idea that I connect with other loss mums over the internet but they don't ask that much about it.

I guess I sent it to them because, in a way, the last line - wishing they could see my invisible child - was directed towards them. Them, and my friends, and the people I interact with on a regular basis.

I got a very strong response from them. Mum and Dad rang the second they recieved it in tears. It was a little overwhelming as I was not trying to elecit that kind of response. They took my writing very literally, which my family is want to do, and focussed very much on the list of losses rather than the metaphor of carrying absence which was the most important part to me. I think they thought I was in a really bad space when I wrote it when in actual fact I was in quite a strong but reflective space, and was trying to express the feeling of the journey. I'm wondering if it was manipulative? It wasn't meant to be.

One good thing that came out of it is an email dialogue with my mother. Email you mother? you say. But yes, sadly we are not very good at face to face dialogue. I retreat and mum responds to my retreat by monologuing at me, and then I retreat some more. It is a pattern that has always hung around, but has spiralled way out of control during these last three years and try as I might, I've been unable to break it. Mum recognises it too and feels helpless in it. I guess were just not that great at discussing how we communicate - or not that willing - or something.

Thanks for the supportive comments. They mean a lot and are part of the strength I have been building and carrying this last week. That, and the lightness that comes from saying what you feel to the people around you.

I've also had the opportunity to connect and re-connect with some of my friends in real life (mums), and it has dissolved some of my anger. It has been humbling.

So. I'm back to knowing that "I'm going to be OK".


Michele said...

I'm so glad that you were able to share that with your parents. That is a great gift.

luna said...

B, how very wonderful that you could share those heartfelt words with your family. I agree with Michele -- it is a gift for you and for them. I'm so happy to hear that it opened a dialogue, esp. with your mum.

I truly hope this will help in your healing. I'm all weepy just thinking about it. peace to you, sister friend.

Me said...

At least, if they called you, it means they took you seriously and care. Although I haven't had quite the rough path you have with TTC, I was in a very dark place for a good six months out of the two years my husband was ill. And we had already entered the land of infertility before he got sick. And my father moved away and left me to run the family business by myself. And I was drowning. And everytime I reached out for help from those closest to me, they just patted me on the head and told me I was going to be ok. I don't think a single one of them ever really realized how cataclysmic the goings on in my head really were. Anyway, I'm babbling. I just wanted to say that I'm glad they showed you they care about how you feel. That is a very good thing.